Sherlock's Diary
by paigeylizzythorpey
Summary: Sherlock's gone from Baker Street. And in that time he keeps a diary explaining what life is like for him.
1. Chapter 1

**OK so the idea I have here is to write a diary from Sherlock's point of view.**

**They will be done in monthly instalments as seen below, with three or four months in each chapter.**

**This is just a tester chapter to see what people think of the idea.**

**BUT I do need everyone's help, as I'm not really sure what Sherlock will do when he's not with John, as the books and TV series and films have John AND Sherlock, there is never just Sherlock.**

**So PLEASE feed back would be good, and ANY ideas would be AMAZING. You have no idea how much you would be helping me if you could think of anything. :D**

**This chapter has not had any spell/grammar checked, so please forgive me for all the spelling mistakes and so forth. These will be changed and sorted when the final product is produced. But I must admit, without help and ideas this story may fall through as I find it hard to keep up with long stories and ONESHOTS are my best.**

**ANYWAYS. Enough of my talking. Thank you and I can't wait to hear your feedback and idea's!**

**Pleasepleaseplease**

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><p><strong>Day 30.<strong>

I have been away from Baker Street for 30 days. That's a month. I've not seen nor heard from John in a month, but why would I? He thinks I'm dead. I know I'm hurting him, it's hurting me too. Being away from him, knowing if... when I go back he'll resent me. Hate me even. I know I did what was for the best and I hope that one day he'll see that and forgive me for everything. But I can only hope that he could forgive me, that's the most I can expect. If he would let me back in to his life I would, I couldn't even explain how I'd feel then.

It's strange, I'm Sherlock Holmes, and I always thought I was the outcast, the freak. But John... He made me feel different, he made me feel human. And all I have done is gone and betrayed everything. I've left him, alone.

Life's not been easy for him; I can't imagine what it's done to him over the last month. I've had to change my appearence, change almost everything about myself. I can't be myself, I can't be that alienated freak anymore, I have to act as though I know how to be "social." I have to act like I understand what it is to be human. But without my John by my side, I don't know how I am meant to do that.

Who'd have ever thought, the famous Sherlock Holmes, not knowing what to do. Nor understanding what it is he has to do. All I know at the moment is stay away, and keep John safe.

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><p><strong>Day 60.<strong>

I've reverted back to the man I used to be, the man I was before I found John, the inhuman weirdo freak. That's what I am, that's all I ever was, a freak. I'm sure John never really cared, I'm sure it was just an act... maybe pity? I don't think he could have truly thought of me as a friend. No one else ever had. Not even my own family.

But no, I don't mean that. It's just what I wish was true sometimes, so I knew that this would be easy on John. If he didn't care, he'd have no reason to be sad. No reason to grieve, but from what I've heard from my stupid brother. He's hurting, he's hurting so bad. This is my fault, and I can't do anything to make him better. Not anything, not yet.

I've been working on cases, only a couple of small ones... Who stole a painting, how did they die? Nothing interesting, nothing that will bring me too much attention. My brother has sent them all my way, hoping that if I'm kept busy my mind will not wonder to John, I will not be tempted to go and talk to him, to phone him. To let him know I'm ok. I can't do that. Not now, I hope he'll understand.

There has been one good case. It was off a girl who has seemed to go missing, but her parents where scared to go to the police, afraid they'd find out about their drug use, and lack of contact with their daughter. She wasn't hurt though; there was nothing to keep my running, no time limit. But it was interesting; it was strange to see that people who seemingly don't care are those who care... sometimes the most. This made me think of Mycroft. Maybe that stupid brother of mine actually does care. Maybe that's why even when mother and father did; he never truly tuned his back from me.

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><p><strong>Day 90.<strong>

I went back to Baker Street today, I didn't think anyone was in, I didn't dare knock, and I just looked. Looked at the window to the flat me and John once used to share, to the flat I spent days upon day complaining about being bored, never taking enough notice to my Dr, My dear John. Scared that if he noticed. He would know something was not right, he would be able to tell I felt something for him. A something that now isn't going away.

Once I'd seen Barker Street, I couldn't help myself; I went to my grave... John was there... I stayed back as I listened to him, to him try and talk to me. He was crying, begging me to come home. Saying there was something he'd never got the change to tell me and now it was too late. I wish he'd said it! But he never did.

Mycroft is going to kill me when he finds out where I've been... But I saw John. That is all that matters, which can keep me going for a bit. It won't be long now before I can go back to him, surely not? Surely Moriarty's assassins won't stay there forever, surely they think I am dead too?


	2. Chapter 2

**OK so this chapter, it kind of talks about the places that John and Sherlock went during the books when they where looking for Moriarty**

**In this chapter Sherlock realises that if he wants to be able to return home he is going to have to work hard on finding the people who are stopping him from doing so. **

**Again this has no been spell or grammar checked as I am still waiting to see what people think of it. Feedback is MUCH needed as well as ideas. **

**I know you are all amazing people, so help me fill this story with your amazingness :D lol **

**Just again, I don't own Sherlock. Books, films, or BBC. :( **

**Thank you so much to everyone who takes the time to read :D You have no idea what it means to me!**

**Anyways, enjoy! 3**

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><p><strong>Day 120<strong>

I must do something, I can not sit back and allow myself to be consumed by this guilt I am feeling, Sherlock Holmes doesn't know how to feel, or that's what I'd always thought about myself, I'd always thought I didn't know how to feel... to be human, but that's not true... and now I can see that. I can see I know exactly now to feel. I feel sad, lonely, and guilty; I feel my heart breaking every time I think of John. I feel love. Love for a man I betrayed. Yes... I said it, I admit it at last. I love you John Watson, and I wish now I'd told you sooner.

I can't just sit back, no! Not anymore. I've wait four months. Four months and nothing! So I must go... I must find Moriarty's men, I must do something. I cannot let them get away for what HE has put me through. What HE put John through. I won't allow it.

I shall make a plan. I shall travel around the world if I have to, just to ensure it will one day be safe for me to return home. Back to Mrs Hudson, back to John. I shall do everything in my power to keep them safe. I shall!

Maybe Mycroft knows something on these mans whereabouts. I shall have to ask him.

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><p><strong>Day 150<strong>

I have not much information to go on, but I shall set out. I have heard talk of people in Brussels in Belgium, Strasburg in Germany... as well as hearing some talk that there have been apparent sightings of the people I am after in Switzerland. But without much information to go on, I shall have to do a lot of digging, and try to ensure I don't allow myself to be discovered. That would not help my plans, nor would it keep John and everyone else safe if there was news that I had not died that day.

This is going to be a long and hard journey, I'm sure. But I can hope that there shall be some sort of positive outcome in the end. I shall text John; yes I'm sure that would be ok. Mycroft made sure I had a new phone so that I could not be tracked down if they found out I was not dead, and so he could get in contact with me.

And so this is it. Tomorrow I set out.

_John, one day, you won't be alone anymore. Don't give up hope on that which you truly believe._

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><p><strong>Day 180<strong>

So half a year I've been gone. I can't believe how slowly the time has been, it truly feels as though it should be years not months.

I'm still in Brussels', looking for information. I have found much out about Morairty, he really was a man who liked to travel! And oh he had many, many people on his side. Many people willing to work for him, to do what he said. I've been given names of a few people who seemed to be very loyal to him, and who he seemed to be able to manipulate without much trouble. I have also heard his web as I liked to call it was larger then I found thought, he has contacts in almost every country in the world. I am starting to lose hope, thinking that maybe this is going to be harder then I thought, Mycroft is keeping me updated on John, and promises to tell me if Moriarty's people choose to come looking for him. He promises he'll keep me posted.

Its feels strange having to put all my trust in one person, hoping that he is telling me the truth. Especially when that person is my brother.  
>I shall be sending another week or so in Brussels' before I move on, hoping I can find something solid to help me. But... I have little faith in anything much anymore. I'm a failing man. I truly feel I am.<p>

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><p><strong>I'm sorry this chapter is short, I found it hard to come up with some ideas about what EXACTLY it is Sherlock might want to be doing, I hope the ideas I have chosen you like :D <strong>

**Thank you!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok this chapter isn't amazing, but I am really struggling with ideas at the moment, so it might be awhile before the next one comes, as I want to try and make the next few amazingly awesome for you readers :D**

**I hope you enjoy this, and reviews are much needed at the moment. **

**Thank you!**

**I don't own Sherlock, books, BBC or movies. **

**No spelling/grammar check. Sorry. **

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><p><strong>Day 210<strong>

I stay in Brussels a lot longer then I thought I was going to, having only left there about a week ago, I had found some leads that lead me around there, I have heard of one man, I have heard that he had came with Moriarty to England, and there has been no word of his return. This thought worries me, it means that the men working with Moriarty do not believe that I am dead and they are staying put in England, I can only dream to think who it is they are keeping a close eye on. John, my dearest John. Oh I wish I could hold him, just be with him. Its times like this I wish I hadn't put myself in this situation. Then I would be able to stay with John.

But I shouldn't be moaning about the things I can't have at the moment, I have to carry on with what I set out to do. I am now in Germany, making my way through the country to Strasburg, I'm not really sure why I'm here having had no leads to actually lead me here, but there was a pull of some kind I felt I had to follow, I'd never felt a pull to anywhere, not unless it was to John's side. There's something about being here in Germany though, something I quiet like. I think I may stay here and lie low for a little while. Who knows, I might be able to start up a sort of business to keep me from being bored. The only thing I fear if that I am not near John. I cannot be there if anything happens to him, but at the moment there is nothing else I can do.

I shall stay in Germany for a while, in order to sort myself out.

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><p><strong>Day 240<strong>

It has been easier then I thought to start a basic life up in Germany, coming up with a new identity wasn't heard, and I had my brothers help with his government influences back in England. So I am now known as a one Thomas Jones, a 34 year old British citizen with a degree in criminology and I have come over from England to work with the some form of German police. I am left mostly alone to do my work, what I like. I'm happy I don't have to interact with the stupidity normal people call being social. I work from my own one bed roomed flat in Strasburg, and I am only called in to work when there is something that needs more men power as I've heard it called. The cases I have been dealing with have been so simple. It is like there is no imagination here, but I can't say it's been all that boring.

I have tried to stay way from drugs. I had managed so well being around John, keeping busy with being dead... but now, now I am trying to interact with people without letting anyone know my true identity. It's taking its toll, and I have found myself almost buying the drug I used to deepen on. But I can't allow myself to take it, I had promised John it was something I would stay away from, and I was sure that the guilt would be worse then anything I am feeling now. I am still trying to keep myself informed about the assassins back in England. The ones that not that long ago held a gun to the people I loved most heads. But there is not much information to know, they are living not far from Baker Street, making sure they are always close to John, Mrs Hudson and Lestrade. It still hurts knowing I can't **return** to them yet, to take their pain away and let them know I'm ok.

But I'm Sherlock Holmes, I'm not meant to hurt. And yet here I am, night after night, close to crying my eyes out for those I have left behind without any explanation. It kills me, and that is something I can't for the life of me explain.

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><p><strong>Day 270<strong>

I would say this last month has been very uneventful indeed, nothing much has happened. I have had very little work come my way, and therefore I have found myself going out a lot more and starting to get to know the area I am in, as I have a feeling I am going to be here for a lot longer then I first originally thought. At the start I was sure I would be able to return to John within a month. Then within a few. Then within half a year, and now. Nine months on, I fear it shall be long after a year before I am able to be by his side again. This is what keeps me going though. What stops me from becoming the shell of a person I once was, knowing that one day I shall be able to return to John, I shall be able to return to Baker Street. I almost gave up on staying hidden, of coming out and returning home, but I couldn't. As much as I want to be selfish, I have realised that this is not a time to be selfish, I must be self-less in order to keep those I love, and yes I say love. Safe.

It has taken me long enough, but I think I finally can admit, can understand that all along it was truly love I was feeling for John. All those nights I lay awake knowing he was in the room next to mine, all those times I would wake to his screaming in the middle of the night, and I would wish I would be able to go in to his room, and hold him. I could tell him everything was going to be ok. I would stay with him until he felt safe again. But that never happened. I never was brave enough; I never let myself believe my true feelings for the man. And now, I fear it may be too late and that he will have moved on by the time I return. I can only hope he still wants me in **his** life. I shall return to him. I shall

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><p><strong>I shall try and make the next chapter soon, but I cannot promise anything, as these have all been rushed and off the top of my head jobs and I'd like to spend more time on the rest of the chapters. Again this is only a trail and I do not know if I will totally finish it. You're support is much needed! Thank you! Xx<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Firstly I wanted to say THANKYOU so much for the reviews:'D, after reading them I just couldn't wait to start writing more to this again!**

**This chapter is different from the others, but I hope you enjoy it all the same. :)**

**The bit in italic is John. It is what he is saying while sitting at Sherlock's grave, I thought it would be good to add a little of his feelings in, as even though this is mainly about Sherlock's dairy it is still a Sherlock/John fic. :) **

**Also, this focus much more on Sherlock's feelings then on what he is doing, I thought we really need to see how he has been affected by playing dead. **

**I know you all want Sherlock to come back to John, so just wait and find out what happens! :D **

**Again, that you for the reviews! **

**No spell/grammar check, forgive me!**

**I don't own Sherlock books, BBC or film.**

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><p><strong>Day 300<strong>

Life is going well at the moment, though there has been a pain start to surface in my chest. Not a physical pain, no, that I could understand, that I could make sense of. This pain is an emotional one, I think it's caused from missing John, but I can't be sure as I have never had any strong emotional feelings towards anyone before John. It was him that made me realise how good the people around me where and how much I took for granted. Not that I ever stopped. It's just the way I am I suppose, but that doesn't mean I like that way I am. I enjoy being smart, I enjoy seeing things that the normal human doesn't, but I don't enjoy my lack of understanding towards human emotion, it makes things very hard when a case is mostly cantered on emotion. Even though logic is always there and is always the way the case unfolds... Emotion is still a huge part of work, and day to day life.

I have found working here in Germany to be an eye opening experience though, as it has made me realise that even though all human minds are small, and very often weak... not every human is a basic and simple as I thought. Not all humans react to emotion in the same way, of course I could have found this out back in England. But there, there was only one person's emotion I ever truly cared about. My god I can't stop thinking about him, the need to phone him, to go home to him is becoming greater and greater everyday. I can imagine him now, sitting by my grave stone, crying for me. Wanting me to come back to him. And I will, soon I shall return to him, I will. I promise you John I will return.

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><p><em>John sat by Sherlock's grave, his ears warm as though someone was talking about him, and he did... what he did every week. He sat by the grave and begged Sherlock to come back.<em>

_Sherlock, I know... I know it's too much to ask, but please it's been almost a year, and I don't know what I'm doing without you, please come back to me. Please come and show me you're not actually dead. I don't believe it, and I never will. Not until the day I die will I believe you are dead. You're alive, and you're out there somewhere. There's a reason for all this. There has to be, now please come back and tell me what it is. Please Sherlock. I can't... I can't go on, I can't sleep, I don't sleep... when I do my head is filled with nightmares. I don't eat, food doesn't taste of anything. There's nothing for me now you've gone. So please come back and show me the world, show me what it's like to live again. Because I'm not living anymore Sherlock. This, what I'm doing. This is existing. I want it to end, but I'm scared that if I do you'll come back. And I can't leave you. I won't leave you. Because I KNOW you're out there. You have to be... Sherlock Holmes can't just die... he can't._

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><p><strong>Day 330<strong>

I wrote John a letter, one I can't give to him, not yet. But it is a letter that will explain everything, I shall tell him exactly what happened and why. When I come back. I hope that in the mean time, knowing I have explained it and its there... this guilt will go, just a little. So I can carry on with work, and so I won't be blinded by human emotion...

Dear John, my John.  
>I know I shall never be able to send you this, at least not yet, but I thought I should explain myself, explain why I left you the way I did, and I hope that when I'm back you will read this and understand why I did everything I've done. I want to tell you everything; I need you to know everything.<br>I'm not dead John, I know you don't believe it, but I know it still hurts you, because I know you think I must be, you just can't accept it. I had to "die" John, I know what you're going to say, you're going to call me a "dick", but I will explain myself. Now please, listen carefully.  
>When you got that call about Mrs Hudson, I knew she hadn't really been shot, I knew it was Moriarty's plan. So I let you go, I thought I was getting you out of harms way. But when I found Moriarty on the roof of the hospital, just like I'd asked... he said... he said this was the final game, the final problem. And... It would end with either me or you dead.<br>I was sure I was going to die that day, so I had asked Molly, as dear Molly for help, she gave me a drug that would slow my heart rate and my breathing, to the panicked or untrained eye I would look dead. I made sure it would be her that pronounced me dead, of course. But this isn't explained any I did any of this is it? No I thought not.  
>John, Moriarty has assassins with guns pointed at you, at YOU John. At Mrs Hudson, and Lestrade. I couldn't let the only three people I ever thought of as friends die for me. Not my best friend John. Not you. So yes, I took the position, and I jumped. I had already calculated the fall, how I would fall. I knew I wouldn't die. And as soon as I was taken in to the hospital Mycroft was there, he rushed me to a privet hospital, because even though I was dead I was hurt. But I was out in no time, and I knew... I knew I couldn't come back, because I knew they were still watching you, John I couldn't let you die because of me. I know I have put you through pain, and I know you will most likely ever be able to forgive me for what I've done, but please John, understand that I did it for you. To protect you. John... I... I love you. I couldn't let you die. Please understand... Please...<br>SH

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><p><strong>Day 360<strong>

I have came to the conclusion that I am no help to anyone here in Germany, the police here seem to be smarter then those back in England, either that or they care less for evidence and motives, so I should be returning to England before long. There, I have realise Motiarty's men are still, so I shall hunt them down and I shall make sure that none of them are ever able to hurt John, Mrs Hudson or Lestrade. I shall have to be secretive; I shall have to be careful in doing what I know I have to. If there are any rumours that I have returned to England, I can't bare to imagine what will happen to those I love. Those people I care about most. I can't... I won't let that happen, I was stupid, and yes I can admit that now. I was stupid and I fell in to Moriarty's trap. I was so foolish. I should have seen what he was going to do, but I couldn't. I was blind. Sherlock Holmes was wrong.

I am looking forward to being back in England, to being back near John, somewhere where I can keep an eye on him. Even though I know Mycroft is doing that, I can't put all my faith in that man. I have to be the one who looks out for John, even though I know he can't know I'm there. I... I shall have to try my hardest. He's all I have, and I know I've taken all he has away from him, I can't stop the guilt that rises in my chest whenever I think of that, I took the only think he had away from him, I left him alone without anyone. I shall always hate myself for that, Always.

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><p><strong>So! It's been about a year since Sherlock died... Poor John and poor Sherlock. :( <strong>

**I hope you're enjoying it so far! :D Thank you! Xxx **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey! Sorry it's taken me so long to get this next chapter up, was trying to do it at school but they then decided to block the fanfic website /3 **

**I know this chapters shorter and not as good as the others, forgive me! but I hope you enjoy it all the same. **

**Am thinking of bring Sherlock back to John soon, so not waiting the whole three years. **

**And the next chapters will be better, I promise! **

**Thank you :D xx**

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><p><em>John we need your help...<em>

_- GL_

_With?_

_- JW_

_A case..._

_- GL_

_Lestrade... you know I can't... _

_- JW_

_John, please it's been over a year and the amount of cases we'd had to close because we just don't have the evidence is... well it's to many, please John. You're the only hope we have with this one. _

_- GL_

_Lestrade... I... I don't know if I'll be able to cope. _

_- JW_

_Just try John, if you can't then you can leave... just anything will help. _

_- GL_

_Ok, I'll try. _

_- JW_

_Thank you _

_- GL_

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><p><strong>Day 390<strong>

Over a year now. It's gone so slowly, and I don't know how I've managed to cope. I'm leaving Germany next week, going back to England; I've found a place close to John but not to close. I've also heard one of Moriarty's assassins has taken the flat next to mine and John's. I'm not sure whether this is the one for John or for Mrs Hudson, but I must stay on the look out at all times and make sure there is no way of anyone back in England being able to tell I am, who I am. I have heard from Mycroft that John has recently started going out to help Lestrade very occasional with cases, I know he has nothing like my ability to observe things, but I can hope that many I have rubbed off on him slightly and he can see things a little better then he used to be able to. I hope that he has been help to that excuse of a police force. Yes, I feel angry with them, many of them worked with me for many years and then they choose to turn their backs on me, because they believe the lies the Moriarty had spilled in to their brains! Foolish people believing a foolish man! A man that took me away from MY John. A MAN WHO MADE ME LEAVE MY JOHN! I have never felt an emotion as strong as the one I am feeling now. Not even the love I feel for John is as strong as the HATE I feel for James Moriarty. A pathetic excuse for a man, pathetic.

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><p><strong>Day 420<strong>

I am now finally back in England, a place I would love to call home, but I can't... no not yet. I'm not back where I should be, not back in Baker Street. With John.  
>I cannot wait to return to Baker Street, to return to the life I once had, oh how I used to take things for granted. I thought I was the best of the best, I thought I could never be beaten, and yet here I am having to find away from people, I go to my grave every Monday and Friday. 4 on the dot, I know it sounds stupid to go to my own grave when I'm not dead, but I know John will be there, he shows up and talks to me. He tells me he hates me, then almost straight away changes his mind.<p>

_I hate you Sherlock. Look what you've done to me! LOOK AT ME! I'm a dying man Sherlock, not actually dying but emotionally. You've killed me, ruined the person I used to be. You're selfish Sherlock. I hate you... I love you Sherlock, I don't mean that. I love you more then everything, more then anything. I can't be without you, not anymore, please just come back Sherlock. Please come back! I need you. Lestrade thinks I am you, he keeps asking me to help with cases... I give it my best. But I'm not you Sherlock, I can't see what you see, I can't be you. Just come back. One more miracle. Don't be dead... just don't. _

He loves me, and I love him. I have to be with him, soon I shall be with him soon. I need to talks to Mycroft.

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><p><strong>Day 450<strong>

Mycroft has managed to build a case up on Moriarty's assassins, they are going to be arrested and sent to prison for life for all the crimes they have been found to be part in. This means I shall be soon returning to John, to my John. It won't be long now before I'm back with him. Not long now.


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